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One Woman's Struggle and Success
I
thought I would write about my drinking/recovery history, what really Mostly I can say that I have experienced more sober time in 20 years than drinking time which is a good point to me, one that has been very invaluable in helping me come back from relapses despite that 'traditional wisdom' of most people can't get back when they relapse. I will say that until 97 in all of my sober periods I went to the traditional 12 step group mainly just to get sober with some kind of support but I could never buy into it. Indeed I often left in a huff because of that insistence that I have a higher power and turn my will over to it--yadda, yadda, yadda. So I would get a safe time of sobriety under my belt and have a tool to use that I considered to be the most helpful--like "Drinking is no longer part of my life' or "I just don't drink any longer" whatever, and it worked so well for years and years. However, during these times I never gathered any new tools to use, I didn't even work on my 'sobriety' I simply lived the good life that sobriety brought about using that tool I had of "drinking is no longer a part of my life' and moved through that sober life with the confidence that sobriety brings. What I can
honestly say is that I NEVER, EVER planned a relapse- -NEVER EVER! A few years ago I did an in-depth reflection of why I relapsed, what were my triggers when I did, how could I change those situations that brought me to a relapse mode, and most importantly what can I do in the future to avoid a relapse? There were several points of common triggers--my relapses happened during GREAT times of stress, several of them also involved travel--a huge trigger for many people--but most of all I recognized that I had not in any way refreshed my tools for staying sober nor changed them during these relapse mode periods. All of my relapses occurred during times of great emotional instability, stress or physical pain and quite clearly two happened when travel was involved--travel was like the icing on the cake --the trip wire trigger for the relapse. I can honestly say that even when I thought I would drink again I fought it back, I fought back that urge and strong desire to drink for quite awhile. BUT without any support system outside on my self and my own tool chest that I had developed years before and never refreshed- -well I know now that I was sadly lacking- -but I didn't know it then. Hindsight is wonderful isn't it? The first relapse after 6 years was during my divorce, a very emotional time, with court challenges, etc. BUT as long as I was here in this city I had been doing ok sobriety wise. It was when I traveled to visit a friend that my ex and I had always vacationed with at least twice a year--well, I got so strange in that situation and one day I just said- -enough is enough- -bought a bottle and drank it. Then sober again for years, I then went into the Peace Corps, a life long dream for me. I stayed sober in country for quite awhile, then began to get physically ill, period everyday for eight months, malnourished, and teeth began to start breaking, staff infection and open running painful sores all over my body- -again- -enough was enough- -I drank again. I haven't even talked about my moves to Florida and within Florida and back to Kentucky--believe me I loved moving around! These are but two examples but I assure you the others were so similar, same triggers, similar situations and all. Yes, for quite some time I 'thought about drinking' but I can honestly say that I didn't 'plan' to drink--just the opposite--I FOUGHT that strong craving for quite awhile BEFORE I drank again! I have heard some say I hit the 'f*** it' switch and that is just fine, anyone can say what they want or their own interpretation upon what happened to me, whatever. All I can say and want to say is the truth on how it happened for me, what I went through, my OWN honest reality and my OWN TRUTH about it all. So, what are my new revelations concerning tools to use IF and only IF I find myself in the relapse mode again?
My number two tool is constantly replenishing my tools and updating them. Number three --the sobriety priority--which I think most people make number one but for someone like me with my relapse history and coming to SOS relatively late in my over 20 year recovery journey- -well this is where it fits at the present time. Number four tool is always utilizing those practical aspects of maintaining a good sober life, being proactive, keeping healthy, eating good food, regular exercise, taking vitamin supplements daily even if I don't 'feel' anything from them. Number five tool--NOT being a PROFESSIONAL ALCOHOLIC! That means for me, that I don't view what happens in my life as somehow related to my having had a drinking problem nor do I think in terms of having adverse situations in life occur as having a direct relationship to my former drinking life. I don't think of myself as an abnormal woman because I am an alcoholic- -I think of myself as a normal woman who had a drinking problem and needs to work on herself to ensure that problem doesn't become a problem again. You know, I know there were times and still are times when I think about drinking. A perfect example is the other night when my car broke down and I had to wait in a pizza place with a most wonderful, antique bar. I thought about a drink in such a fine place with so much time on my hands AND my car was stalled during a snow storm AND holding up rush hour traffic to boot! But those are just thoughts--thoughts like I had at the grocery store today when I put all those fattening prepared food in my basket thinking that I could/should eat them because of the snow--LOL!!! A very valuable tool I have learned is to think the drink through--like the other night--and like today in thinking through all those fat grams and going back to put all those foods back. What I 'plan' I can always 'unplan'! No problem there! Relapses, for me, have ALWAYS involved a lengthy struggle with myself and with life! Relapses for me have been very difficult, very involved with areas in life outside--I have never planned one. Relapses have never been easy for me! So, that's my
story! Thanks to Moonlight for allowing me to use her story |